FREMONT - Eight years ago, at the age of 26, I gave up a baby girl for adoption. I was fairly certain that I did the right thing. From the first day I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't keep her. I was single, unemployed, irresponsible and the father was no where around. I grew up in a loving home and was always loved unconditionally. But at that age, all of my friends had children.
I watch all of them struggle, fight welfare, settle for any man that came along who could take care of the kids. All of those kids suffered. My sense of family is very strong, when I finally had children, I wanted to be able to give them everything; including myself. I wasn't ready. But my 'mother instincts' were very strong.
I knew I needed to be able to pick the family who would get this child. (If I couldn't live with how she would be raised, I might as well raise her myself) When I was eight months pregnant with no time to waste, an adoption attorney told me he might have found a couple that fit my criteria. I traveled for part of a day, they flew acrossed America so we could meet. We all fell in love with each other.
I gave them my heart and soul. Them trusting that I would actually give up the baby; me trusting that they would raise her the way I would if I could. I do receive letters and pictures and know that she is happy and healthy and loved by many. I found her a loving couple that desperately wanted a child, she has a sister and an extended family.
She has all the opportunities a child deserves. I loved my child enough to know that I couldn't take care of her, and by letting her go, I loved her even more. The little poem is: I love you with my heart, my tears and even with my years. But mine isn't the reality you'll see. Knowing that I set you free. Go happily my child and Be.
So you see, I was the best mother I could be to that little girl. Now, I am married and recently gave birth to a son, 'our' first. The following is what I told to a friend who also gave up a baby. I have all of these feelings I want to share with you. I'm not sure where to start, but you have to have a baby of your own. No one told me it would be so cool!
I just look at him and listen to him breathe, I watch his movements and the faces he makes. He is so special. When I look at him I see a miracle. I never had these feelings with my other baby. I watch my husband with him and have fallen in-love with him all over again. I love my son with every part of my soul.
I pray for him and his future. I cry because I messed up his formula and that's what he eats. I feel sad because I can't change his diaper fast enough to please him. I look at him and can not understand people who leave their child alone or abuse them, they are so innocent and helpless. I want another one, yes I do! This is an experience in life and love and giving of yourself that is somehow different than before. Trust me, you do not what to pass this up.
I look at our little threesome family and I feel absolutely whole, filled with something I can't put a name to. But it really is the most awesome 'something' I have ever felt. When I burp him, in the crook of my neck I can feel his soft breath and his fine hair touches my jaw line, and his little arms are around me, and in a way, I can't wait till he is older. but I will always want to be able to feel that sweet breath and fine hair against my skin.
He is a part of me and a part of the man I love, and that is a beautiful thing all in itself. Sometimes he puckers his lips as if to say 'kiss me', so I do kiss him. I sing to him; mostly hymns or rock and roll songs since I don't know many children's songs! I thank God for giving me a healthy baby, and for just giving me one.
But I also remember the little poem...That mine isn't the reality you will see, so go my child and be... Life is good, for that I am certain! I wanted to share some of the wonderful things that now bless my life.
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